Service or self-expression?

This ties in with my latest blog-post about saying wholeheartedly yes.

Lately, a particular dilemma has come up for me. I feel a pull towards “doing some good” in the world, by helping and supporting sensitive people who might benefit from what I have learned so far, and I feel my innate characteristic and abilities are aligned with this type of work, too. But this dilemma then tends to pop up and confuse or hold me back. 

I have explored it thoroughly and found the core components to be: an old perception of me having to take the supporting role (again). And feeling a bit of resentment, because there already has been many “have to” situations in my life.. Even if this role comes naturally to me, being both highly sensitive and empathic. I DO wish everybody, and in particular, us sensitive people could learn how to love ourselves, do what we love and truly flourish.  My artistic side or the inner “magical” child in me, leans heavily towards spontaneous, authentic expression; not bothering if anybody can use what I express or create in any “useful“ manner. Just happily creating in total freedom and not needing to justify my existence by being of use to anybody. 

Is it to serve, modelling self-love through authentic creative expression?

It probably all relates to the child I once was: the little girl who felt she had to grow up to fast, to conform to what she easily sensed her surroundings wanted from her and who didn’t get to be carefree, spontaneous and playful for as long as she needed and wished to (would she have been able to articulate this, back then). There are still from time to time remnants of this conflict in me and if you boil it even further down it gets to the core:
Should I fulfill my own needs or those of others? 

Well, that’s certainly a tough and almost impossible choice to make. Naturally, it is not at all either/or, the inner child in me just has a tendency to view it as such. I (subconsciously) felt like it was, a very long time ago when this pattern formed within me. And even with my current level of maturity and awareness, it still can be difficult to discern and untangle this stuff: what are internalized ideals about what it means to be of use or “do good” stemming from outside voices, and what are my true preferences?   

I apparently haven’t resolved this quite yet, but just writing about it has as usual given me a deeper understanding which always makes me feel more compassion for myself and my often “muddled” inner landscape. So, to offer some enlightening words to myself and others with similar issues:

This dilemma is, of course, false! 
It is not at all either/or, on the contrary. Your most honest expression, be it artistic or otherwise, will also always be what resonates most deeply with others and thus has the power to do the most good.

Creativity has immense healing power, for the creator and the receiver, both.

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