This January, I, once again, ponder paradoxes and peculiarities of life.
Isn’t it strange how there always seem at least one piece missing in the jigsaw-puzzle of components to your wellbeing and happiness? You work hard to discover, create or retrieve (occasionally, gracefully receive) an important piece and it falls into its perfect place, but then another one mysteriously goes missing. Hrmmff.
Is it a trick of the ego/mind to always notice what is wrong or lacking, like it’s so used to do? Probably the answer lies in the very words: “used to”.
As we grow, we slowly grow into a certain sense or perception of ourselves through life occurrences and events. A sense of how things just are for us; how things “always” turn out. That then becomes the familiar, safe size, no matter how stunted an existence it is. Perhaps, I, by now, wouldn’t be able to feel like or even recognize myself in a happier, healthier state of being?
Those old ruts are so deeply ingrained; all these f***! patterns with roots in doing what once was rewarded and approved of. It created the sweet and ever-understanding “good listener” or the self-effacing, unassuming “quiet girl” (which I’ve been named more than once). Some admirable traits, but unfortunately, they often become imbalanced with long-term consequences.
As children, we’ll pick up on the subtlest signs of threat, rejection or disapproval, we’ll notice the slightest misalignments with others. Us sensitives can so easily over-adapt and shrink. It is probably the thing I’ve worked the hardest at transforming because it easily becomes unhealthy. Luckily, time and experience have helped me get stronger and wiser through the years.
My soul, who just wants to be happy, healthy and whole, has for long been way ahead of my human side. My soul knows that self-destructive, skewed perceptions must be addressed and corrected, even if it’s scary and hurts to get in touch with old, sore spots and semi-healed wounds. Even when your patience and faith is tested to the max.
Healing takes the time it takes. There’s no rushing the recovery process, no shortcuts around it: you have to trust your psyche and body’s inherent wisdom. However slow it seems, you’re eventually forced to surrender to a higher power. To let go of your fearful, fruitless attempts at controlling this.
Still, at certain times, when I get emotionally triggered or my body is extra fatigued with aching limbs, I’ll lose faith, forget the bigger picture of the necessary, deep transformation I’m currently in. Forget to trust.
Because, it, literally, feels like that metaphor of a sensitive Empath being like a sponge who, energetically absorbs a lot of negative energies, beliefs, etc. and then at some point is so saturated with this stuff, that she has to have all that poison “squeezed” out of her again.
Well, I definitely feel squeezed…but somehow still trust that it’s, in fact, the breaking through a cocoon and into a brand-new, better and more authentic way of living. Like the butterfly finally able to spread its delicate, paper-thin wings and soar the warm summer skies, drinking nectar from a myriad of blossoming wildflowers on a serene meadow field, emanating pure life force.
Bliss after a breakthrough!