This summer has been tough on me.
Like everybody else I have something inside; call it Soul or true nature. And it speaks louder and louder the older I get. Starting out it was but a whisper. By now, it is a relentless force, almost. It has now become various strong feelings of discomfort whenever I do something out of alignment with it. And lately, bodily symptoms that speak with increasing intensity too.
All is designed I think (or hope!) to push me toward a truer calling. I just wish there weren’t so many growing pains included in this process for my sensitive human self. A young part of me is scared and clinging like crazy to the old, familiar and stagnant because it’s known and thus feels safe. In reality, this is the lie or illusion, because the old ways drain all life juice out of me..
Unfortunately, I seem to be one of those who has to learn the hard way.
I’ve gone from factory work to cleaning jobs to webshop customer-service, but it didn’t truly fit me. I really always was someone in need of a lot of freedom to express herself in different ways. But I have a hard time convincing myself that my creative work is useful or even a possible way of making money, so I keep battling (over and over) with ingrained childhood beliefs, (self)doubt and almost a kind of paralyzing survival-fear around it. Heavy stuff!
I’ve been unemployed for a while and now I am ill with this CF and feel like I am running out of time (yes, admittedly I’m a bit dramatic;)). Money is tight, I have had my house for sale for a while; was hoping to move closer to the big city for better possibilities or perhaps education.
Basically, I’ve felt such pressure from both inside and outside forces for a couple of years, it simply has been too much and all there really is to “do” for me at this point is: Surrender & Trust.
I’ve finally, fully reached that point.
It helps a bit to remember the notion about living “the symbolic life” which enables me to zoom out, to get a bigger perspective and view my life circumstances in a broader view. You could almost perceive it like it was a dream.
And when I do that it becomes a little comically how this situation speaks in metaphors about what is going on for me: what ancient and fear-inducing beliefs I am currently “white-knuckling” my way through in the hope of releasing it for good.
For instance: my CF was discovered because I took on a temp. cleaning job by the unemployment office; you could translate it into something like “usefulness-job”; hence a job where I could to be of good use to society. And I did my best, though I have already done my fair share of routine/physical work. Turns out, that by now my body is completely done with this kind of “usefulness”.
It really makes one wonder what it means to “be useful”..?
Another small metaphor: my garden is tiny and look rather unassuming from a distance, but it has nonetheless several fruit-trees: cherry, plum, mirabelle and apple. In July, the cherry tree was filled to the brim with delicious dark red cherries and now my Mirabelle trees and plum tree are overflowing; the plums are juicy Victoria Plums. Yummy!
It has been such a fruitful year, that I’ve had to throw a lot of fruit on the compost pile. What a waste it seems, when there is so much nourishment on those trees: plenty to share!
As with my own hard-earned lessons; nothing is truly ever wasted, I guess. Probably more beneficial to view it as a recycling back into nature’s great circuit, only to re-appear in a slightly different, but potentially even better or more refined form.